Pill-Billies (Discover this Summer's naughtiest read...) Page 6

  I'm going to be the Naughty Nurse. Tori loves the idea of me wearing a sexy Nurse outfit and stripping. She's going to keep with her outfit which has always been the kitty. She has kitty cat ears that she wears that are attached to a burette. She paints her nose too, like a kitty. But, the smart thing that she does is that she wears a little mask over her eyes. That way no guy will ever get a real good look at her face. She never takes it off. Her body is so hot that when one of the strip club owner guys says that he's going to fire her if she doesn't take it off she threatens to leave. They always change their minds. I'm going to copy that look. We are going to come as a pair. I'm going to have her on a leash with a spiked collar around her neck. Underneath my frock, I'll be wearing a big pink strap-on that I will do her with. That will drive the guys wild. When we do private lap dances. We will take turns fucking each other with it but we will charge a shit load. Tori's flame won't mind. The customer cannot touch us at all. I can get men back for all they've done to me. Finally, I will have the sexual power back. The truth is I will have to go to Richard's before I run off with Tori. The plan is to tell him the truth that we fell in love. He will want to fuck us. We will refuse but agree to party with him. The more wasted he gets the easier it will be to up the ante. He will practically beg to get with us. I know he will. I told him about the dentist and about me and David's habit of taking home girls. He has begged me to have threeways. I tell him that I only do that when I'm in relationships. He knows not to ask me to get serious. I will move out. We will tease him, make out in front of him, and he will start offering money. He keeps tons of cash in various safes, that he hides and booby traps. I will let Tori take him to the cleaners. After it's over, I will tell him we are going to stay at her place in Louisville for a month. Then, I'll just never come back. I can go to my Dad's at Christmas. The good thing about Richard unlike David, is that Richard can take a hint. He asked me to marry him, I said no. He gets strung out and refuses to tap in to his reserves, forcing me to take a little off the top from the nursing home zombies, and I got caught. He bails me out, gets a good attorney and now I'm in here instead of jail. He thinks now I'll marry him. He doesn't know about Tori and our plans. I'm going to start getting revenge on all the men who took advantage of me and my body. I'm starting with him. If I could get David killed behind bars somehow I would. Hopefully, the state of North Carolina will expedite his appointment with the electric chair or lethal needle. I don't care how they do it. If I could pick, I would want to watch him sizzle. That sorry mother fucking lunatic. I found out he murdered a 12 year-old girl, after raping her. The two peewee gangsta kids that tried to jump him were only fourteen when David shot them to death. He was diseased scum. Daddy said the hepatitis is killing him faster than North Carolina can. I get nauseated thinking about Daddy's trips to go see David. He does it for himself, I guess. Shannon, Brooke, Ben, and I haven't told Daddy the rape thing. It would break his heart. For some reason, it doesn't bother my father that David killed other gangster types. He was abandoned and trying to survive after his father died in jail. His Mother ran off and left him to fend for himself knowing he would have to turn to the streets. David has tricked Daddy into thinking that he is just a victim of his upbringing a byproduct of his environment. The truth is David cannot accept responsibility for his actions. He just blames the world he was brought up in and the lifelong bond to the Knights. He ignores anything that resembles remorse. He says he has begged God for forgiveness. The grace of Jesus Christ has set him free from the tyranny of guilt. He claims that my father taught him that. He is just stroking my father's fragile ego. He has had the wool over Daddy's eyes for as long as they've known each other. I can't take it anymore. When I get out of here I'm telling Daddy that it's either me or David. He can still write to him but no more visits. My stupid mother has been sending me care packages in here. Me and Tori eat all the cookies and snacks and check the envelope for money. Terry usually puts a $50 in there for me. We chunk the Jesus freak letter from my born again-again mother. She quit drinking after Kentucky took her license. She got some kind of kidney problem and has to take medicine. If she drinks on it she pukes. Terry gets pot from Daddy for him and Momma to smoke. They listen to Bob Marley and Jimmy Cliff. Terry and Moma had never really listened to reggae before. They didn't know how uplifting it is. They started going to reggae festivals. Terry and Daddy started smoking all the time. They rolled big joints of bomb-ass Bluegrass or William's Wonder. That's what Ben told me on the phone. Poor Ben. He is the sweetest boy. So loyal. There aren't many guys like him. He shocked all of us by showing up at the house with a real pretty bitch on his arm. They are both so clean-cut and neat. Their shit really does not stink. They both drink a little and get drunk with Daddy and Shannon. They have real jobs and real friends and real lives. The thing that makes them the most normal is their devotion. They go to Trivia Night at the bar in their little town. They also play flag football on a coed team. David taught Ben a lot. Ben was just a little skinny dude. He got hurt playing tackle. They made up for it in their social life. After I got sentenced and locked up they started kinda sorta lookin' down on me. The big levee broke when I got popped by fat Marsha. It led to losing Ben and my Mom. I'm envious, but Ben deserves boring, routine, predictable, structured, safe, and loving couplehood with his new girlfriend since that's what he craves. Burt's death shook him up worse than me. Even Brooke said that was true, especially after Ben flashed on me and her after the wake, calling us "loser, enabler, Pill-Billy whores". He apologized but I never forgot what he thought of us. Brooke is a whole other case these days. She really wants to move up to Louisville to do stripping with us. She is hot. I don't think she understands that me and Tori are serious about being with each other. I know she couldn't handle living on her own up there. Me and Tori probably need her to sign the lease for an apartment. She doesn't have a record. We might better rethink her offer. She is the only one of us that bummed all her drugs using her good looks, and never paid a dime for them. She would do guys for pills. She only did the rich boys never the sleazy junkies. Burton never noticed or cared. He was so gacked out and spun wildsided. I was the same way about doing fratboy types for pills. I only blew this one tweaker guy once out of absolute desperation for twenty Oxy's. I made him wear a flavored condom. I just pretended it was a Popsicle until he yanked it off to jerk it on my boobs. I felt disgusted with myself. I heard the echoes of all Moma's ugly damnings of me from my wetting accidents as a little girl. You are filthy. You are an animal. God hates the unclean child that does that. I'm going to start calling you "Pissy-Sissy" from now on. Do you like doing this to me young lady? You are pissing yourself because your father told you to do it so I will be pushed to react. I'm the smart one. You are just stupid like everybody in your sorry Daddy's family is. Cover those disgusting boobs up! They look sick flopping all over the place. You should get surgery to make them normal. You are a disgusting, sinful, waste of flesh, druggy-trashwad. And, my favorite new one: you are an abomination in the eyes of the church and jesus. God knows, I hated my mother. But, the voice of my addiction was split like they always are. You have an Angel on one shoulder saying, "Fuck the world, let's just feel good with this pill and these smoky drinks. We don't need them. We don't need anybody. We are beautiful and forgiven and safe here. We don't need her. We don't have to feel the Bad, for a while. We can just check out just for a minute…just escape…come on, Sissy, its okay to let go…let go…let go…". That shit was the hardest. Learning to see the real Devil under that Angel mask. Addicts don't realize they just have the Devil on both shoulders. I had a Devil inside, too. He scratched the lining of my soul out to get fed. He clawed his way into me and wrapped his strangling tentacles around the roots of my goodness until he milked it into powder. He made me do lines off his chest. He makes me take cheap rides down dusty roads in a blood red '57 Chevy as he blasts rockabilly and skids near the cliffs. He shoves the back of my head to his empty bosom and digs his sharpened nails into the nape of my neck. I
jerk away from him. He grabs my throat and squeezes the breath out of me. I release. And, I'm sitting in that same puddle. Yellow-legged, scared to change.

  Chapter 2—Canterwood Woes

  Canterwood made us smarter criminals.

  We learned to get pills vacuum sealed and mailed to us. Tori and I were back on top with four months to go. We started getting Richard to mail us regularly with an assortment. The security at Canterwood was so underpaid and apathetic that it was easy to get pills. Tori and I were selling them for highway-robbery prices. I forgot how nice it was to have money again. Richard actually drove up here to visit us. When he met Tori he went crazy with infatuation. When we called him for more pills he said no, unless we agreed to have sex with him when we got out. We figured that we didn't have enough money to move to Louisville anyway. We should just stay with Richard, for a while. He has been working at a real job doing computer stuff. He is making really good money. He also cut back on partying. He got a buzz cut and started working out. He looked sharp. I never thought that it would make me start to have feelings for him but it has. His confidence had gone up so much that he actually is sexy. Tori flirted with him like crazy. She could not believe what Richard looks like. She said that I made him sound like an ogre. I told her that maybe she should just move in with him and let me go to Louisville. She doesn't laugh at that idea. We both know we can't afford it. We're going to have to get Richard to help us. In other news, he and Brooke have been hanging out all the time. I'm 100% sure they're having sex. I know how Brooke is. She won't spend any time with a guy unless she's getting something out of it. I have always crushed out on Brooke. She is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. She has a very rich auburn hair and green eyes and freckles that are just angelically placed. Her boobs are huge like mine, which is the other reason why I know Richard has been trying to get in her pants since I've been locked up. I guess I could always picture them together. Richard has been infatuated with her for years. I'm pretty sure that she has hooked up with him in the past for pills. I know that Burton used to accuse her of going over there when she was desperate. He would get really angry until he was given his dose of pills. Then, he would just return to his zombie-like state. Tori and I are saving everything we can. We have almost three-hundred bucks from selling pills in here. We backed off some to keep from getting caught. We decide to just budget the pills we have. I notice my group and individual therapy with the frumpy intern, goes much smoother when I'm buzzed. Tori and I hear rumors that they are going to start piss testing everybody soon. We get spooked and chug tons of water to flush all of the drugs out of our system. I made sure to hide our stash very carefully in the yard during recreation. The last thing that we need right now is to get caught when we only have these last three months. We decide to just stop doing everything bad. We sell the rest of the pills. Richard thinks that that is really a good idea. He doesn't want to get caught sending the pills to us because of his new job. I told him that I was so proud of him for getting a job and that I loved him. I surprised myself when I said it. I had never really told Richard that before. Thankfully, Tori was nowhere around. Richard and I were able to talk for a little while. I ask him about Brooke. He says that they have been hanging out a lot and that she crashes there most of the time. I asked him if they have been fooling around with each other. He says, yes. He says it's only because he misses me and he gets lonely. He also says can I blame him?

  I know how gorgeous Brooke is. We laugh at that a little bit. I must admit I'm really jealous. I'm starting to wonder if Tori and I can just move in with Richard and Brooke? I know that Richard will want to have sex with all of us. I know how he is. I know what he likes, sexually. I think that considering my other options right now I'm just going to have to accept it. After all, he did pay for my attorney. I've lived with him for a long time. He gives me drugs. He gives me money. He does love me. He tells me he loves me all the time. As I hang the phone up with him and tell him that I love him this time for real. He starts crying and tells me how good it feels to hear me say that and that he's loved me for a long time. He says he loves Brooke, too and he just wants all of us to be together. I told him that would be fine with me. I let Tori know the plan. She agrees that at least for the time being we're going to have to be somewhere where we can save money. She doesn't like having to share me with Brooke but she knows we have no choice. She can't wait to screw Richard. I tell her all about his cock and the way he moves and how turned on he gets during sex. Before we know it we are face down on each other counting the days with our tongues to get out of here and party.

  Richard is coming with Brooke to see us this Friday so we can all meet. He has been calling himself Hugh Hefner. He's about to have three girlfriends living with him. We laugh at his comparison. Friday rolls around and they come and go. Brooke is thankfully not interested in Richard I can tell. I am awash with relief. I figured she was just using him. Part of me worried she could fall for him since he looks so much better now that he's taking care of himself more and he got a hot haircut. His hair used to be the biggest turn off besides his big nose. They leave. The next three months crawl by slower than anything I've ever been through. It was an excruciatingly dull-lighted lull, slower than slow. Tori and I fight all the time now over everything. It got so bad we traded roommates with these two Mexican girls to get away from each other. I still love Tori. I just don't like her when she's sober and clawing to get out of here. She also spent all our money we saved. She started eating snacks from the vending machine. She gained a lot of nasty stomach fat that muffin tops over her pants now. That's how I discovered she had been sneaking snacks. She is the most pathetic addict I've ever seen. If she can't get fucked up she will buy five dollars worth of junk food and gobble it up just to feel something. She has been picking up cigarette butts and wringing the tobacco out of them and rolling Jesus Joints, which are smokes rolled from pages out of the free Bibles that are in everybody's night stand drawer at this hell-like hotel prison. I caught her rolling one and was disgusted. She also drinks tons of coffee. I hate her bad breath from it. I won't even let her kiss me with it. It grosses me out so bad. After I moved out of our room we have fought less but part of me is wondering what to do about her after I'm out of here?

  She's just a leech. She will suck me dry. I don't even know if I want her around Richard because of the strong attraction they had. I decide to ignore and avoid her for a few days while I'm figuring out what to do. My plan backfires. She ends up hooking up with the Mexican girl behind my back. I confront her about it. She says she was just bored. I see her for who she really is. The more I hear about her fucked up family the more turned-off I get. Her half-brother Christian Barnes, is a klepto druggy surf loser. Her step-sister and her had sex with him when they were all wasted, which is disgusting. She fell in love with her own step-sister. She and Christian got busted and they were all separated. He went off to rehab jail in California. She pines over him and their step-sister, Lucille. Weird. Gross. Incestuous. I decide to end things with her a week and a half before we are supposed to get out. I change my mind after she cries and pleads with me. It doesn't hurt that she scored some Vicodins. She frenchs me with one in her mouth that I seductively slurp out before we collapse in lust together on her bed. That mexican girl came in. I got upset until she handed each of us another something and joined in. I just go with it. There's nothing else to do in here anyway. It's too risky to break up with her. She might rat me out. I kinda wish I could just ditch her somehow on graduation day. I thought about telling her I'm going to get clean and move back with my Dad and Shannon leaving the junkie world for good. She would probably figure out I was lying. The last days fly by. Before I know it we have had it out, broken up, and aren't speaking to one another the day graduation rolls around. Moma and Terry want to come get me. I tell them not to that I just want Richard. Tori comes crying, again. I cave. I guess now I've succeeded at being fucked up with women in relationships, too. Good job, Sissy. Pat myself on the back.


  This is why I love drugs.

  If you look at it closely life really does suck. If I think about it carefully every single year of my life has gotten worse. To this day I still think of myself as that unwanted little girl. I just killed my mother's family name. When I fall hard it is her voice telling me all the awful things I am. I also just remember how bad I felt as a teenager and when my brother died and now look at me. I'm in jail. I managed to get drugs somehow. That's because drugs are that good. They will transport me to a place away from here away from all of this pain. It used to make me sad to think about all of the time that I've wasted being wasted. I used to get so angry at myself for letting myself go like I had. I would look in the mirror. I just couldn't look in my own eyes for too long. The mirror would start to do that thing it does where you can sort of see into your own soul? Everybody knows what I'm talking about. When you look at yourself in the mirror and you stay there for a real long time you sort of start to see it out. You start to see that animal that is your body. You start just seeing the creature that God created and put on this earth. You don't get mad at him for making you suffer like this even though all your going to do at the end of it all is just die anyway. Everybody and everything that you know and love is going to die. Nothing lasts forever. That is the absolute truth about life, impermanence. You are just a footprint in the race towards death. Every waking hour is taking me closer and closer. Drugs can stop the clock. If they can't stop the clock they can make the tick go away. It is that ticking noise that life resounds out with its people everywhere, and the news, and the computer, and the Internet, and your insufferable family. You must be responsible. You must be held accountable. You must be productive. You must be a working part of society. You must be a creature of God. You must act like the holiest creatures of God or you are nothing. You may never slip. You may never walk on thin ice. You may never cry out. You may never suffer without someone suffering from your mistakes. This is the real world. Those are the voices of the oldest mother. Mother Nature. I blame her for people being how they are. We are not that evolved. Just drive around the Appalachians and look at some of those damn people with their sharp, fetal-alcohol syndromed faces and then drive around the rich suburbs of Chicago or somewhere big like that where rich folks live, and try to find kids that look like that? My point being that if you look closely at those divergent groups of people they all want the same basic American things. They want money. They want their football teams to win. They want to get laid. They don't want anybody to die. Some of them want jobs and families and marriages and children. Some of them offer nothing. They just take and take, like Brooke. Some of them are here and they're beautiful. They go unnoticed. They live perfectly good, normal lives but they're all the same. Nobody is any different than anybody anywhere else in the world. I don't care if you're a caveman or if your a wealthy executive. If you have a dick between your legs and your a male you are the same in every country in the world. Women might be different from place to place but men are all the same. All they want to do is fuck or fight. If they can't do that then they're fighting for something: more money at their job, a nicer car, a better looking girl, more stuff, bigger things, better, longer vacations. Every man is a fighter and a fucker. Women aren't that great either folks. Most of them are basically prostitutes for men so they can just have little reproductions of themselves. They put up with some jerk for the rest of their life just so they can have a couple of copies of themselves running around, that will grow up and turn into little disappointments, like me. They will put up with a terrible man for his only redeeming quality. Good looks or money, or owns a house or not that crazy or doesn't hit me that much like he used to. The worst part is women that don't even know that they're that way. They have no idea how pathetic they are and how they are throwing away their whole life just to bring more damn people into an overcrowded world. They want to know what it was like to have a bayyyy-beeee. I'm talking about the nice ones, too. You can be as nice as you want but do what you do and consider an overpopulated world that's when it means something to me. Women that go and have five or six kids are even worse. Do they not watch the news? Do they not look around and see that this place and this planet is crowded and it's getting worse?